Short Story

[Faidor]

Note to the reader: I am not familiar with the vegetation or the professions in Mortal Online, nor do I presume to know. This story is created out of my imagination on how Mortal might be.


Jakob hated the city. There were always too many people, too many smells and too many distracting merchants with their shiny baubles and other useless trinkets. Yet his profession demanded that he make the visit once every three months.

The oxen snorted as they pulled the large wagonloads of granite and slate through the busy streets.
“So Jake—do you think we’ll see any orcs—or elves?” asked the young man driving the cart. It was Lucas’s first time to the city and would be his first time dealing with the merchants.
Jakob shrugged, but said nothing.
“Spare some change kind sirs??” came a voice from the side of the cart.
Lucas glanced over and his dark blue eyes filled with pity immediately upon seeing the shoeless, bedraggled beggar. Just as he reached over to his belt to take out a few coins from his money pouch, Jakob grabbed his arm.

“It won’t be much, jus—”
Jakob fixed the young lad with a stern gaze. In his deep, scratchy voice he said quietly; “You give him a single copper boy, and we’ll have to feed every beggar out here. Keep goin’.”

Lucas swallowed rather audibly as his face turned slightly red from embarrassment. His eyes remained focused on the road thereafter.
The seat to the cart creaked as Jakob repositioned himself. He was much larger than nearly everyone he knew, standing at least a head taller than those around him and weighing almost double what most people weighed.

Even Lucas was thicker that most of the guards that patrolled the street.
Of course, not everyone worked in the quarry like they did.
It was late afternoon when they reached their destination on the far side of the city—‘Morvis’s Stonecutters.’
There was a loud creaking of the boards when Jakob got of the cart. He pulled his pipe out of his jerkin and walked over to where Lucas was standing. “Remember, thirty bars. No less. You got it?”
Lucas nodded.

“And if Morvis offers less?”
“Remind him that they need slate for roofs and that granite buildings won’t burn like wood ones will.”
“And?”
Lucas sighed. “And if he doesn’t like the price he can go gather his own stone.”

Jakob smiled, then stuck the pipe in his mouth.
Morvis came out shortly after to meet them. He was a small man that wore thick, leather gloves, a sleeveless tunic, gray breeches, soft leather boots and a white apron.
“Well, if it isn’t the finest Stonecutter and my dearest friend in all the land! How was the road, Jakob?” Morvis asked completely ignoring Lucas.
Jakob stood as still as a statue with his arms folded. Bluish-gray smoke glided from his mouth and nostrils as he stared at the merchant. Then, one of his massive hands reached out and nudged Lucas on the arm.

Lucas jerked forward, and then stood up straight and composed himself.
“Uh, Mr. Morvis, my name is Lucas Jirith,” the boy extended his hand. When Morivs did not shake it but rather stared in confusion, he continued. “I will be negotiating prices today.”
The merchant looked less than satisfied. He now wore a slightly disgusted expression, it turned to one of near hatred when he saw Jakob’s grin.

With a monotone voice, Morvis spoke with no enthusiasm. “I’ll give you twenty bars for the entire cartload.”
Lucas looked nervously at Morvis, then to Jakob and then back to Morvis again. “Well sir, twenty seems a little low…”
“How about we settle on thirty then?” Morvis asked.
“Well,” Lucas began then stopped. He arched his eyebrow. “What?”
“Sounds like a deal.” Morvis said taking the boys hand and shaking it. Then he threw his hands up in mock anger. “This is an outrage. These prices are madness.”

It was now Lucas’s turn to look confused.
“Don’t look so confused boy. Jakob knows the competition doesn’t compare to your stone, and I’m not about to swindle you right in front of him. How foolish do I look?” Morvis growled. Then he shook a finger at Jakob. “Wipe that smug grin off your face!”
“It’s not a grin Morvis, it’s just the unfortunate shape of my face.”
The merchant growled as spun on his heel and called out over his shoulder. “I’ll have the bars brought out to you. They’ve all been weighed for purity, as soon as my men finish unloading, leave.”
Lucas called out after him. “It was a pleasure doing business with you, Mr. Morvis.”
“BAH!”

It was approaching evening by the time they got the last of the stone unloaded. Lucas waved goodbye, but was mostly ignored.
“Did you know Morvis would go easy on me because he’s afraid of you?”
Jakob leaned back in the seat of the cart, and shrugged.
“Is that a yes or a no?” Lucas asked as he whipped the reigns.
Jakob looked at him and after a moment of silence he shrugged again.
Lucas shook his head, but couldn’t resist smiling.
They were in no hurry to get back, so Jakob was lenient when Lucas wanted to take the long way home. After they had purchased supplies for their small town—mainly wool, leather, cured pork, linen, new chisels and hammers, and feed for the oxen—they slowly made it out of the city stopping at several stands to see what others were selling.

When Lucas started talking about how dull mining and stonecutting was, and how juggling knives and torches seemed like a much more reasonable and lucrative trade, Jakob made the decision that it was time to leave.
Just before leaving the city limits however, they passed by a large field that was filled with workers.
“I don’t remember seeing those people earlier today.” Lucas observed.
“That’s because they weren’t there. They must be purple murquai harvesters.”

Lucas cringed at the thought. Purple murquai was a common but dangerous flower—within the stems was a chemical that when mixed with other herbs could be used to cure many ailments. However, the thorny, foul-smelling plant could only be harvested at night. If the chemical mixes with hot air, it becomes poisonous. Cutting stone out of the quarry was enjoyable compared to gathering these flowers.

The sharp crack of a whip split the air around them. Lucas looked to where the sound came from, and drew in a gasp of air. A woman hit the ground hard in the field. Her tattered garments were barely concealing her body as she rolled over onto her back and held up her hands.

Lucas pulled on the reigns, stopping the cart.
Jakob looked at the boy.
Lucas could not take his gaze off the woman though. There was another crack of the whip, and the woman cried out in pain.
“What are they doing to that woman?!?” Lucas demanded.
“They’re serfs, Lucas. They’re property of some local Lord, so there’s nothing we can do. Don’t stop the oxen.” Jakob wouldn’t look at the woman.

It was obvious something was eating at the big man’s mind. He flinched when he heard the whip once more, and shook his head as though he were battling off a bad memory.
Lucas turned to Jakob in disbelief. Before him was the most intimidating man he ever met. How could he do nothing? “Serfs?”
“Slaves. Nothin we can do; les go.”
“No.” Lucas said angrily. He jumped out of the cart, narrowly avoiding Jakob’s grab. He picked up a large stick as he ran towards the field master.

Just before he reached the man with the whip however, Jakob barreled past him like a charging bull. In his hand was a light mace—the weapon looked tiny in his hand.
The field master lifted his whip once more, but never brought it down.
Nor would he lift the whip ever again.
Jakob reached the man, and smashed the mace into the man’s arm. The limb folded in half under the strength of Jakob’s blow, and before the man could react, the large quarry worker planted a fist in the man’s temple, knocking him out.

“Jakob?” Lucas was frozen in place by what he had just seen.
Where had the mace come from?
“Go.” Jakob said quietly as other field masters began to approach.
“When did you—where did you get that?”
“There’s lots you don’t know bout me boy. Now go!” Jakob leaned down and picked up the fallen field master’s whip. He then went over to the woman and picked her up with one arm. “On second thought Lucas, I want you to take them with you.”
“But I ca—”
Jakob didn’t say anything. He fixed his gaze on the young man and that was all it took to silence him.

The serfs did not question why it was happening, nor did they care. They piled up in the cart, and sat as low as they could. Lucas looked one last time upon his mentor and friend before he turned to run toward the cart. He didn’t understand what was happening, everything was moving too fast for his mind to work right.
Half a dozen field masters ran at Jakob with whips, a couple looked like they may have had daggers as well—

Jakob danced around the men with unusual speed for his size. One whipped at him, and though it drew blood, when the leather wrapped around the big man’s wrist he pulled the field master close enough to crack him in the skull with his mace. He continued to dodge when he could, attack when it was safe, but they were closing in on him…

Lucas whipped the reigns, and the oxen responded instantly. In moments, he and his wagon full of stolen slaves thundered out of danger and out of sight.



This is how I picture someone like myself might play a character. Once a warrior, retired to cutting stone, then the warrior being forced back out because of moral responsibilities. Just thought how cool it would be to have it happen.

Of course this may be one of those things where it is 'cooler in my head than on paper'. Short stories are most difficult for me so if you would, please be gentle with the critiques.

Anyhow. There it is.

[KroqGar]

Ok, so I might as well jump right into a few little niggling points before I get to the compliments. Keep in mind this is all coming from my writing style, which may be different from what you want to accomplish.

First off, I found it a little difficult to follow. I mean, it was very linear and I was able to follow it, but I had to really work at it in order to make my way through to the end. The bartering scene was especially confusing for me, and I had to read through it several times before it was fully mapped out. This could possibly be improved or avoided by adding more details and taking your time in explaining stuff. Maybe add a bit of explanation about each character, and make sure the dialogue flows. A good way to do this is to have a conversation with yourself, assuming what each character would say according to their assigned eprsonalities. Don't do this out loud, or else you'll look like a lunatic, but doing it quickly in your mind can really help. It's a tip that has really helped me overcome difficulties I had with dialogue, and still do have with extended discussions.

Second off, the entire thing passed by very quickly. Slow it down a little bit. Take your time, explain things more thoroughly and make sure everything passes by in an organic way. I understand why you would have done it quickly for the combat scene, to give the feeling that combat is rushed and fast moving, but it could have been slowed considerably for the bartering between the craftsmen. Add a bit more detail and make sure it would make sense if you were reading it for the first time. Read it and make sure it plays out exactly how you thought when you were writing it. It's difficult, but with practice you can completely wipe your mind afterwards. it helps if you get somebody else to read it and then tweak it according to their recommendations.

Third point, character development. I found it rather lacking in this story. The characters were a little difficult to follow, as was the plot that they were gliding through (Though I mentioned that above). I never really found out more about the character of Jakob except he disliked cities, disliked slavery, and worked in a quarry. His personality was shrouded for almost the entire time, which is something that should be built up over the course of the story, exposing small bits and pieces in different places, kind of like a jig saw puzzle forming up before your eyes. The character of Lukas remained even more of an enigma, as I never found out more about him than he was Lukas' friend and also worked in the quarry, although this last bit was an assumption. I'd have had them bantering a little bit more, especially if you described them as friends.

Fourth point is about consistency. This isn't usually a big deal, although in this particular case it was rather confusing for me, as the reader. It pertained directly to the characters of Lukas and Jakob, You interchanged the names quite a bit, it seems, around the combat scene. The characters are each switching places quite often, which makes it extremely hard for me to follow who is doing what. It's something that can be easily sorted out, but it's very cumbersome when it isn't, as it gives that much extra strain for the reader to try and figure something out.

I hope these points will help you, although like I said above, it's all coming from my own writing style so it may not be what you're looking for in a critique. On to the conclusion now. Don't worry, this contains some good news.

Reading a story should be like swimming in a calm lake, and in this case it was more like trying to backstroke in jello. Although the concept itself wasn't bad, there is plenty of room for improvement. The good news is that I think you have that potential to improve, judging from your PM. You have a want for criticism to get better, and that's probably the best thing going for you. I don't mind your writing style, and I even liked your last story. This one just seemed a little rushed and unpolished.

EDIT: It just occurred to me that I critiqued the entire thing in a public post. I hope this is ok, as it will give the basis for other people to build upon if they feel like commenting. However, I could probably help you more with your writing if you ever wanted me to proofread stuff. I'll send you a PM to discuss it.